The first time I got sucked into the giltz and glamour of the limitless coaching industry, and when I felt like a nobody for the first time, was an event I attended about 4 years into business.
Up until that point, I was so proud of our little agency, so proud of myself for what I had built while raising two kiddos under 3.
Perhaps because I was oblivious to what other agencies, consultants and coaches were doing?
Well, that event was the first time I got star-struck by being in the 3D presence of people I had previously known from the online space.
And, it was the first time I shrunk my 6'1" frame into a self-conscious little girl when a fellow expert shared from the stage about how her agency only worked with $10k/mo retainers.
Despite being a strategist, my mind could not compute how I could position myself as such, much less deliver services to justify that investment. But boy, I felt like I was not enough! For the first time.
Just like that, I felt I did not belong.
The next couple of years saw me go thought a multiple ups and downs, deaths and rebirths. But, the one thing that remained, was my attachment to a specific amount of zeros on my bank account.
The more I chased that, the more private jets and yachts and ultramodern mansions and stacks of cash I added to my vision board, the less I recognized the reflection in the mirror.
Becoming the person who invested $10k/mo in my own development did not quite do the trick, either.
Despite knowing better, I ultimately began to negate this subtle but unmistakable sensation that has always been my compass, my Northern star. This fluttering sensation in my belly. Warmness that radiates from within. This knowing that feels like a warm blanket...
...and that was nowhere to be found no matter how much time I had spent in all sorts of envisioning, manifesting, and strategizing sessions.
Then earlier this year, I designed a whole new vision board. This image is a part of it. And that sensation sparked again.
As I look at the simple, nature-based and family-centered images on this board, I feel love. I feel timelessness. I feel free. I feel me.
It's taken me nearly a year to realize that the most desirable things, the core wants and needs, my deepest desires I kept waiting on to arrive as a byproduct of having all the glitz and glamour... Well, they all were already here. My lived reality. All along.
Even and especially when the only thing I used as a measuring stick of my success & worthiness has burned to the ground.
Funny how this works. Always! In all ways.