As my husband was walking me through the hospital doors at the crack of the dawn, I could not help but feel anything but excitement to meet our baby. I felt I was about to commit the biggest betrayal. Why?
To accommodate my doctor's holiday schedule, and to make the logistics of caring for our toddler at home as easy as possible, I agreed to a scheduled c-section against my better judgement and gut feeling.
It wasn't just my abdomen and womb that were cracked open. So were the gates into the Dark Night Of The Soul.
As she was ripped out of my body (at least that's how I perceived the whole ordeal, filled with guilt and shame), my own body and soul were ripped apart.
Our baby girl smiled the moment she was placed on my chest. I somehow knew all would be OK. I sensed that she would be the light who cheers anyone up. She remains to be the most fully-expressive being I know. She is growing up into the most creative, generous, fun, loving and thoughtful young woman.
As we are gathered to celebrate her, her presence, and her own journey, it's perhaps the first time in years that I can fully feel the joy of it all.
See, the unbearable physical, emotional, and mental pain that accompanied what
should had been the most beautiful experience of bringing a new life into the world, were just the beginning. I did not know at the time that it would take me years of deep healing and devoted practice to become whole again. To reconfigure myself. To reconnect with my soul. To reclaim my power. To rewrite my life.
This girl, along with each one of her sparks and sparkles, single-handedly taught me something I tried to learn over several lifetimes.
She helped me to crack the clay crust so that the inner light could shine through again.
She became my teacher before she knew how to talk and walk.
While my human mind tried to make sense of any of it, our souls already had all the answers. It all was a divine orchestration, intervention.
A lesson to remember that things never are what they seem to be.
Our girl might seem small to the world; she indeed is the whole world expressed in a human body.
P.S.: Forever grateful that all along the way, I was loved & supported by my husband, and was in a total command of my own time and schedule as a business owner, and not at mercy of some employer or the other. (Although at times I would had given everything for the stability of a regular paycheck; for the ease of knocking off someone else's to-do listin - or at least the illusion of it.)